


Don't Try to Be Funny

by Fairfaxleasee



Series: Alistair/Amelia [5]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Comedy, Comedy of Errors, F/M, Gen, Post-Game(s), Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:07:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28458027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fairfaxleasee/pseuds/Fairfaxleasee
Summary: Alistair meets with Viscount Hawke to discuss wheat.  It does not go well.
Relationships: Alistair & Fenris (Dragon Age), Alistair & Teagan Guerrin, Alistair (Dragon Age)/Original Female Character(s), Alistair/Original Female Character(s), Fenris/Female Hawke, Fenris/Hawke (Dragon Age)
Series: Alistair/Amelia [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2141979
Kudos: 10





	Don't Try to Be Funny

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to @blondetexan and a very nice mystery person for betaing for me.

Alistair was getting slightly dizzy watching Teagan pace around the room. Seeing Teagan  _ this _ nervous for so long was starting to make Alistair just a bit nervous. He had seen Teagan willingly follow Isolde into what they all knew was a trap; keep his cool at the Landsmeet that, if it had gone even a bit differently could have gotten the both of them and several others executed as traitors; and fight in the Battle of Denerim without hesitating, despite the fact that Teagan wasn’t a Warden and had just returned to the city on the forced march with the army.

“Teagan, will you calm down, please? I don’t think she’d be very happy with us if you wear a hole in the carpet. Here, have some cheese.”

Teagan glared at him and continued pacing. “I  _ told _ you not to eat anything that woman gives you!”

“...she didn’t give it to me, one of the servants gave it to me.” Alistair muttered as he popped another piece of cheese into his mouth.

Teagan didn’t look amused. “Do you know they say she poisoned an entire dinner party of Tevinter Magisters  _ just because she was bored _ ?”

“Well, I’ve been to worse dinner parties with Tevinters…”

“I’m serious, Alistair! You need to be very, very careful with Viscount Hawke.”

“You weren’t this nervous the last time we met her.”

“The last time we met her she wasn’t Viscount or doing something that could  _ devastate _ our economy AND I admit I wasn’t  _ quite _ aware of  _ just how many people she’d killed _ .”

“Hey! I’ve handled worse just fine. An archdemon, Morrigan, my father-in-law...”

“Cassia Hawke is more dangerous than all of them  _ combined _ . Whatever you do,  _ do not _ annoy her.”

“But what if she’s  _ already  _ annoyed?”

Teagan glared at him and continued his admonishments. “Or try to charm her. Or try to be  _ at all _ funny!”

“So, not even a  _ little bit _ funny then?”

“No! Maker’s breath, I should have left  _ you  _ in Denerim and brought the Queen, sick or not.” Teagan threw up his hands and turned away from Alistair.

Alistair sat back in the chair and grumbled, “I can do  _ just fine _ without Amelia here…”

“I seriously doubt that.”

Alistair voiced his concern. “So, do you think she’ll be okay?”

“I’m sure she’ll be fine, Alistair. She’s probably already feeling better.” Teagan smiled at him before he shook his head. “It’s us I’m worried about. I’m not sure you can handle someone like Cassia Hawke. Amelia really should have been here…”

Alistair pouted at Teagan. Honestly, he didn’t think Teagan was wrong about Amelia being a better person to handle Cassia Hawke than he was. He’d met the woman twice and both times she had glared at him like she wanted to tear his throat out. He had completely forgotten about the first time until Loghain had mentioned Hawke had been at Ostagar. He  _ still _ didn’t know what he had done wrong then, although maybe she’d forgotten the incident as she’d only said two words: ‘no’ and ‘bye.’ All he’d done is asked her if she was Duncan’s new recruit, and according to Amelia that wasn’t an inherently unreasonable question. Hawke had just kind of looked at him and that was what had precipitated the ‘no.’ Then he had just been trying to strike up a conversation and she’d done the glare before saying ‘bye’ and disappearing into the crowd.

The second time was when he had visited Kirkwall briefly the previous year when Merideth was still largely running the city. All he’d done then was ask her to meet him in the Chantry. Hawke had come, already annoyed, seen Merideth, gotten MORE annoyed, glared as he tried to have a conversation and she stuck to monosyllabic responses, getting even more annoyed at each one, and left, still annoyed.

_ Maybe she’s just always annoyed, like Loghain. Can’t be MY fault she’s annoyed if she’s ALWAYS annoyed _ .

Alistair decided to stop worrying about just how annoyed Cassia Hawke was going to be at the upcoming meeting and think about the woman he’d much rather be spending the afternoon with. The original plan had been for Amelia to be the one doing all the talking at this meeting. It was the only thing Alistair could ever recall Eamon, Teagan, and Loghain unanimously agreeing on without any argument whatsoever. That had been why he hadn’t tried to fight it; not because he thought Amelia couldn’t do it, but because he knew Amelia didn’t like to do  _ any _ of the talking, let alone  _ all _ the talking. She liked to hang back and observe before telling him what to do or say. He was very good at doing what she told him to do and saying what she told him to say, if he did say so himself.

Unfortunately, Amelia had caught some sort of stomach flu about a week prior, and, while it didn’t seem to have hit her too badly, neither of them wanted her on a boat, even for the short journey across the Waking Sea. They had learned the hard way on their honeymoon that boats did not agree with Amelia. She’d never been on one before, but she didn’t really think that would be an issue when the planned itinerary for the tour of the Kingdom after their wedding began with them sailing from Denerim to Highever to avoid the Darkspawn that had been active around Amaranthine. She’d started to feel sick almost as soon as she stepped on the boat. Part of him still thought he should have gotten her back on dry land and insisted on alternative transportation. Instead he’d helped her below decks to their cabin.

“We haven’t left port yet, you know. We can still get off if you want to.”

She started to shake her head but gave up on that quickly when it just made her more seasick and had lain down on the bed.

“It’s fine, Alistair. It’s like this for everyone at first, right? I’ll just stay down here until I feel better, I’ll be fine.”

“Isn’t that what you said that time you got shot?”

“And I was fine, see?”

“You almost died!”

“Is there really such a thing as  _ almost _ died? Isn’t death really one of those all-or-nothing things?”

He sat on the bed next to her and played with her hair. “There is, it’s not, and I don’t want you doing anything close to almost dying again.”

“Well, okay, but unless you know of anyone dying from seasickness, I don’t think that’s really pertinent right now.”

“But...if you’re stuck down here sick, who’s going to be in charge of making sure I don’t do anything really stupid, like fall off the boat?”

She laughed a bit. She always laughed at his jokes. Well, except the really, really bad ones. “You’re not going to fall off the boat, Alistair.”

“Well,  _ maybe _ . But for all you know, I have a terrible, life-long, deep-seated fear of falling off boats and was counting on you to protect me!”

“You do not have a terrible, life-long, deep-seated fear of falling off boats.”

“But how do you know?”

“Three reasons: first, if you did, Teagan and Eamon would know about it and wouldn’t have suggested this in the first place. Second, you’d have spent the entire ride out here trying to pull me onto your horse so I could kiss it better. Third, when the Hero of Ferelden went off with that dodgy Isabela woman, YOU spent the entire time running back and forth across her boat like an idiot.”

“Well, I don’t remember that happening, but the ‘like an idiot part’ does sound like me. But what if I were to  _ tell you _ I had a terrible, life-long, deep-seated fear of falling off boats?”

“Other than having the entire conversation over again?”

“That wasn’t me telling you I had a...horrible…”

“Terrible, life-long, deep-seated.”

“Yes, that - fear of boats, that was me saying for all you  _ knew _ I had one of...those.”

“Ah. I see. Well then, I suppose if you were to tell me you had one, I’d say I don’t believe you and that I had a sneaking suspicion that this is more about getting  _ me _ off the boat than  _ you _ off the boat.”

“Well, I see hypothetical you is just as clever as real you. Too bad, that was my only shot at winning this argument. But, Amelia, we really can work out another way to get there.”

“Alistair…” She reached a hand back for him. He brought it to his mouth and kissed it. “It’s very sweet of you to be concerned for me, but I really will be fine. And if I’m sick the entire way there, I will just never, ever,  _ ever _ get on another one of these blighted things again.”

Alistair climbed into bed beside her and wrapped his arms around her. “Well, that’s all fine and good for you, but who’s going to stop me from doing something stupid in the mean time?”

She chuckled softly. “Well, as I’m not getting out of this bed until we either land  _ in Highever _ or I start feeling better, as far as I can tell you have two options.”

“Alright, I’m listening.”

She turned towards him and rested her head on his chest.

“Amelia-”

“Mmm, I’m just tired. Once you make your decision I’m going to go to sleep for a while. Hopefully feel better when I wake up.”

He kissed her forehead. “You better tell me quick then, if you fall asleep before you tell me both the options I’m never going to figure out what the second one is supposed to be.”

“Hmm. Alright, first option: you use this as an opportunity to put yourself in charge of keeping you from doing something stupid and go on deck anyway.”

“What? Me? In charge of not doing something stupid? Nononono, that’s not an option I like.”

“I had a suspicion. So, second option then?”

“If I don’t like it will you give me a third one?”

“No, giving you the second option and going to sleep. Second option is you stay in here with me.”

“Hmmm...this is a tough choice. So, I can either go outside, all alone, without any help at all to be sensible about things OR I stay here where I have you all to myself.”

“Mm-hum.”

“Well, after careful deliberation, I think I’m just going to go with having you all to myself.” He reached behind her and pressed her to him. She snuggled closer to him. “Hey, wait just a second, Amelia! If I had wanted to leave, how would I have gotten up? Did you just do this to trick me into being your pillow?”

She snorted. “You weren’t about to get up and leave. And you love being my pillow. Now shush so I can get some sleep.”

“Feel better, love.” 

She’d been too sick to leave the cabin the entire trip. There was no reason to think she’d do any better on a boat now. While she had wanted to stay behind because she thought she’d be useless if she was sick from both the boat and the flu, Alistair had insisted she stay behind because he wasn’t going to force her to be sick from both the boat and the flu. He didn’t think Amelia was ever useless, he was sure her being here would have helped. But as much as he’d rather she be with him, he’d rather she feel better more. 

Besides, he wasn’t afraid of Cassia Hawke. Just because she’d killed an Arishok. And a crazed Knight-Commander. And a Circle full of blood mages. And, apparently, an entire Tevinter dinner party. And lots of other people.

Teagan had started pacing again, faster than before.

“So, uh, Teagan, what exactly is our plan here?”

“I don’t know, Amelia was supposed to be the rational one.”

“Well, if we don’t have a plan, do you think we should leave? I’m all out of cheese.”

“No! We’re not leaving. We can’t leave. Not without trying something…”

“Can I at least ask for more cheese, then?”

“NO! Alistair, did you already forget what I told you about the Tevinter dinner party?”

“No, but don’t see what I should be so worried about. I’m not Tevinter and this isn’t a dinner party. And I really thought there was more cheese here…”

Alistair lifted the suddenly empty plate and looked around the table. He couldn’t see any cheese on the floor but something was knocking the plate in his hand. He looked up again and saw a mabari licking the plate. It stared at him for a few seconds before grabbing the plate in its mouth and running out the door.

“Hey! Get back here you-you cheese thief!”

“Alistair, stop worrying about the dog and the cheese and start worrying about just how you’re going to manage not making things worse when you meet Hawke!”

“Do we even know what all this is about?”

“She’s desperate? She’s trying to undermine us to distract from how vulnerable Kirkwall is so people see Ferelden as an easier target? She’s bored again? Honestly, from the way everyone who’s met her talks about her it’s probably somehow simultaneously all three and none of those.” 

“Well, what am I supposed to do? Just go in there and tell her ‘Terribly sorry, but we’d really rather not be invaded by Orlais any time soon, so we’d really appreciate you doing us a favor and raising your wheat prices so we can sell ours at an actual profit again?’”

Teagan glared and didn’t respond.

“That would be my suggestion.” The voice Alistair didn’t recognise belonged to a man standing in the open doorway the mabari had left through glaring at them. The man was fairly good at that, but Alistair had been glared at by one person or another almost his whole life, so unless it was Teagan or Amelia, he didn’t really notice. Alistair did notice that this particular man was an elf and obviously not a servant. Not only was he not dressed like one, he seemed to be wearing some sort of spiked armor, but Alistair couldn’t recall ever being addressed so directly or glared at by a servant. And if he wasn’t a servant, Alistair couldn’t imagine what he would be doing in the Viscount’s Keep. Alistair also noticed that he was carrying a broadsword across his back that was almost as tall as he was. And Alistair  _ really _ couldn’t imagine what an armed not-servant elf was doing in the Viscount’s Keep. Well, he supposed there was always what Zevran would be doing, but this elf didn’t look subtle enough to be an assassin. What made this elf so unsubtle was the third thing Alistair noticed about him - that he seemed to be covered in blue-white tattoos that were slightly glowing. Alistar would have said they were lyrium but couldn’t imagine why anyone would want lyrium tattoos… even if they did make him look cool.

“Fenris.” Teagan had come up behind him and whispered the name in Alistair’s ear.

“Who?”

Teagan flicked the back of Alistair’s head where the elf couldn’t see.

“Oww!”

Teagan glared and flicked him again before continuing. “Fenris, the elf is Fenris. He’s Hawke’s lover, advisor, enforcer, gatekeeper, bodyguard…”

“Do you really think that’s the order I needed to know those things?”

“If you know nothing else, know this - those tattoos are lyrium, he can, and has, ripped people’s hearts out and crushed them.”

Based on the grin that was spreading across Fenris’s face, he had overheard what Teagan was whispering.

“Well, that sounds like a neat party trick, but isn’t that a bit of overkill? Why would he crush someone’s heart AND rip it out?” Alistair wondered to Teagan

“I don’t usually do both to the same people.” Fenris apparently didn’t care Alistair hadn't been addressing him. “But if there are, say, two people -” Fenris glanced between Alistair and Teagan, “I could crush one’s heart and rip the other’s out.”

“Okay, but what if there were three people?” Alistair’s habit of saying things like that was why he really, really liked when Amelia was the one telling him what to say.

Fenris crossed his arms. “Cass wanted me to give you a message before your meeting.”

Alistair turned back to Teagan.

“HAWKE! The Viscount! Who else do you think we’re meeting here?”

“She can’t just tell us at the meeting?” Alistair asked Fenris.

“No. Of course, once you hear the message, you may think better of going to the meeting.” Fenris responded.

“Teagan, can we think better of going to the meeting?” Alistair wondered.

“NO!” Teagan had obviously made up his mind.

“Too bad.” Fenris didn’t seem to be all that sympathetic to Alistair. “Cass wanted me to tell you,” he reached into his armor and pulled out a note, “‘Tell those fucking idiots that I do not want to fucking hear anything else about my mother-fucking wheat prices and that if they know what’s fucking good for them they won’t waste my fucking time about it!’”

“Well, uh, Teagan, what do you think?” Alistair had to admit Hawke had a unique flair for language. Even in the Wardens he hadn’t heard anyone manage to use ‘fuck’ so many times in one sentence.

“I think this is the most doomed we’ve ever been, Alistair!” Teagan stopped whispering and addressed Fenris. “We understand the Viscount’s time is valuable. We won’t take more of it than necessary.”

“Hmmm.” Fenris turned to leave but stopped when he noticed a cat sitting just inside the door.

The cat looked at Fenris and mewled. Fenris glared at it. “Away, beast!” 

“Well that seems uncalled for.” Alistair walked over to pet the cat. “He looks like a perfectly nice -” 

As soon as Alistair got within two feet of the cat it turned and hissed at him, swung its claws, and chased him across the room back to the chair. “Well, I didn’t believe it, but it seems like the Ice Queen of Kirkwall really does have a biting p -” The cat, Fenris, and Teagan were all glaring at him. “...erfectly nice otherwise cat. And also such lovely taste in decoration. Is-is that a sconce built into the wall? I don’t think I’ve ever seen one before. Teagan, we really must see about putting them at the palace.”

“We’re not going to be  _ alive _ long enough to get  _ back _ to the palace unless you start thinking before you start talking!”

“Well then, why don’t you do the talking?”

“Because, Alistair, I’m not the king.”

“I could abdicate and make you king?”

“You are not getting out of this that easily! Remember, don’t try to be charming, don’t try to be funny, and dear Maker, whatever you do, do NOT tell Hawke to be nice or to smile!”

Fenris laughed at that. Alistair decided he much preferred Fenris glaring to Fenris laughing. “Come,” Fenris inclined his head towards the door. “She’s in her office.”

“Aren’t you going to do something about the cat?” Alistair had tried to follow but the cat didn’t seem to think he should be allowed out of the room.

Fenris grinned as he walked out the door. “No. But, as it’s such a ‘perfectly nice cat’, I’m sure you’ll manage.”

Alistair took a pillow off the chair and tried to get the cat to attack it instead of him. “Never said it was a ‘perfectly nice cat,’ I said it was a ‘perfectly nice  _ otherwise _ cat.” The cat had three clawed paws and its jaws occupied trying to eviscerate the pillow. Alistair decided to take his chances while he could and hurried to follow Teagan and Fenris out of the room.

It was a fairly short walk to what Alistair assumed was the Viscount’s office. Fenris knocked on the door.

“What?” While Alistair relied on context to identify the voice as Cassia Hawke, the undercurrent of annoyance in it supported the conclusion.

“The Ferelden delegation.” Fenris just sounded bored. Alistair wondered if Fenris bored was as bad as Hawke bored apparently was.

“Ughhhhhh…Really?”

“They say they won’t be wasting your time, but…”

“Tsk...fine.”

Fenris opened the door and inclined his head to indicate Alistair and Teagan should enter. Alistair and Teagan looked at each other for a moment before Teagan motioned for Alistair to go in.

_ If I’m king, why am I the one going in first? _

Alistair stepped into the room. He had honestly never seen anything quite like it. Amelia’s study could get a bit disorganized, especially if she was working on an entirely new map or compiling folklore, but Cassia Hawke’s study was on another level  _ entirely _ . Balls of paper were thrown haphazardly everywhere; he thought he could see a wastebasket buried in one of the piles, but he wouldn’t swear to it. Several easels and pads were set up in the room, the top pages were covered in notes and symbols (although one of them just looked like a random collection of swirls and lines) and most of the back wall was obscured by a gigantic chalkboard, also covered in notes. The Viscount herself was tearing through the balls of papers, presumably looking for something while muttering ‘no’ repeatedly every time what she saw wasn’t what she was looking for. Alistair watched as she went over to one of the pads, said ‘no’ as she tore off the top sheet, balled it up, and tossed it over her shoulder before going to the chalkboard and using her sleeve to erase about a third of it as she muttered ‘no.’ All in all, between the room and the mannerisms, Cassia Hawke struck Alistair as less of a Viscount and more of a slightly deranged alchemist. Although given the woman’s apparent propensity for poison, ‘slightly deranged alchemist’ might be a very good way to describe her.

Alistair heard the door close behind them and turned around to see Fenris leaning back against it just above the knob. Fenris saw him looking and lifted one of the corners of his mouth in a grin Alistair did not care for at all. They stood in silence for a few seconds before Cassia broke it as she continued digging through her discarded papers.

“Well? What do you want?”

Alistair glanced at Teagan who motioned for him to talk.

“Uhh...we wanted to congratulate you on your new appointment?” Alistair tried something that he didn’t think could possibly be offensive.

Based on Cassia’s reaction, he had been wrong. She took the paper she had just concluded wasn’t whatever one she wanted and tossed it (pointedly) towards the wall behind and slightly to the left of Alistair. “Really? For  _ that _ you schlep all the way over here yourself?”

“Uhh...yes? It’s...uh...nice to see a Ferelden refugee doing so well for herself?”

“Uh-huh.” Cassia did not look like she was buying any of this. “And it was  _ so important _ to come over a month after the coronation that you didn’t even send a letter about that you  _ couldn’t wait _ for the entire delegation to be available?”

Alistair had not counted on Cassia paying enough attention to realize Amelia should have been there. “Yes, uh, well, we, um, didn’t want to wait any longer?”

“Do you fucking think I’m a fucking idiot?”

Alistair knew how to answer that question. “No! Nope! Not at all! You are in no way a fucking idiot! You are, in fact, not any kind of idiot!”

The old ‘I’m going to tear your throat out and enjoy it’ glare was back and Cassia shook her head slowly at him.

“So just what the fuck is this about then? And  _ don’t _ you try fucking lying to me again. And so help me, if this is about the fucking wheat, I have heard this shit from every fucking city in the Free Marches, Orlais, AND Rivain, and they do not even fucking  _ grow _ wheat! I know, I checked!”

“It’s, uh, it’s about…” Alistair had no idea what this could be about and didn’t know how long he could stall.

Fenris decided not very long. “It is about the wheat.” 

Alistair turned and saw Fenris leaning slightly so he could see Cassia around Alistair and Teagan. “You’re not helping!”

Fenris grinned. “Oh, I’m helping. I’m just not helping  _ you _ .”

Teagan stepped in, finally, to try to help salvage something from the meeting. “We did come about the wheat, we hadn’t realized you had already had so many meetings about it, but…” Teagan was not as used to being glared at as Alistair was and he was starting to break under Cassia’s. Alistair had to admit, she might even be better at it than Loghain was.

Alistair took over trying to come up with something that could sound like a thing they could have come for. “We, uh, also wanted to ask about the, uh…”

_ Think, idiot, what could you have possibly come to talk with a very angry woman who knows a lot about poisons about? Are  _ all _ people from Gwaren this angry? No, Amelia’s from Gwaren and she’s not this angry. HEY! This is not going to help you get to something you can say you want to talk with Hawke about. Besides, you don’t know Hawke’s from Gwaren, do you? Just because she was working there doesn’t mean she’s from there, she could be from anywhere in Ferelden before the Blight… _

“Refugees!” Alistair exclaimed.

“‘Refugees’ is exciting now?” Cassia was still annoyed but Alistair figured they were way beyond not annoying her.

“No, uh, refugees is what else, that is not related to wheat we wanted to talk with you about!”

Cassia growled and rolled her eyes as she sat behind the desk. “Fine. Refugees. Talk.”

Alistair looked to Teagan for an idea.

Cassia was having none of it, she pointed directly at Alistair. “YOU!  _ Now _ !” 

“Yes, well, it’s just a bit concerning that, um, most of the refugees don’t seem to be doing much better in the Free Marches even after all these years.”

“I’m just a  _ scooch  _ more concerned about structural damage from the fucking explosion that leveled the fucking Chantry just at the moment.”

Alistair was taken aback. “But, they’re your countrymen.”

“No, they’re  _ your _ countrymen. Not sure if you realized this, but I’m Viscount of Kirkwall,  _ not _ Queen of Ferelden -”

_ Well, there’s my frightening thought for the decade.  _

“-my job is to work for what’s best for Kirkwall.  _ Your job _ is to worry about Ferelden. What say we make a deal - you stay out of mine, and I’ll stay out of yours.”

Alistair knew he should probably drop the conversation. “But they’re in Kirkwall!” Once again, Alistair’s mouth got the news just a bit too late.

“Oh, well,  _ that _ changes  _ everything _ ! Thank you for telling me! I had no fucking clue that there were Ferelden refugees in Kirkwall.” Alistair decided he preferred ‘monosyllabic Cassia’ to ‘sarcastic Cassia.’ “Oh, wait. Yes, I did fucking know that. And,  _ gasp _ , Maker’s breath! It’s...it’s almost like there are fucking people who fucking live in Kirkwall who  _ aren’t _ Ferelden refugees and who might have different fucking opinions about what my priorities should be!”

“You know, I don't see why you couldn't maybe be a little nicer about this…” Alistair really needed to do something about his mouth.

“ _ Alistair! _ ” Alistair wasn’t sure if Teagan went on to say “If we make it out of this alive, I am telling Amelia just what a mess you made of this. And Loghain!” or if that was just implied in the initial admonishment.

Fenris circled around to stand beside Cassia. He put a hand on her chair and leaned over to whisper, “Are they done?” just loud enough for Alistair to hear.

“Not quite.” She turned to Alistair. “You want nice? Fine. I’ll give you nice.”

“No, uh, you really don’t need to go to any trouble on my account!” 

_ Where is something cute and harmless like a rampaging Archdemon when you need one? _

“But I’m going to be nice. I’m going to tell you how to solve your little wheat problem.”

“I, uh, you are?” Alistair forced a smile and a laugh. 

Cassia did not look like she cared. “Mm-hum.” She stood, leaned across the desk, grinned in a way that made Alistair miss her glare very, very much, and curled a finger to beckon him closer.

“I’m...uh, I’m good over here.”

“Okay.” Cassia’s pitch had gone higher and she slid over the desk to stand directly in front of Alistair. Alistair missed the cat. “So, if you want people to start buying your wheat instead of mine, there’s a very, very simple thing you can do.”

“And that is?” Alistair had no idea why he asked that question. Whatever the answer was, he wasn’t going to like it.

“Sell. Fucking. Lower. Done, problem solved.” Cassia went back to her chair.

“Well, that’s, uh, certainly interesting. Teagan, I’m guessing there’s a reason we didn’t think of that ourselves?”

“There is very much a reason, but this is neither the time nor the place!”

Alistair turned back to Cassia and saw she and Fenris whispering to each other. She didn’t look particularly happy about whatever he was telling her, and Alistair was just about to suggest to Teagan that they back away slowly when she clicked her tongue and addressed them.

“So,  _ apparently _ I’m supposed to give you a present to thank you for the visit-”

“NO!” Alistair didn’t want anything from Cassia.

“That’s very gracious of you, but-” It seemed as though Teagan was too concerned about the prospect of a present from Cassia Hawke to comment on Alistair’s bluntness.

“Non. Sense.” Cassia flicked her gaze between Alistair and Teagan.

Alistair lamented the missed opportunity of not running from the woman when she was distracted.

“You came all this way, so,” Cassia continued and looked around the room. “Ah. Here.” She picked a vase off the desk, turned it over to remove the assortment of paper, chalk, pencils, and quills she had put in it, and tossed it at Alistair, who barely managed to catch it before it collided with his face. “Present. Leave.  _ Now _ . Bye.”

Alistair looked at Teagan who nodded. 

As they rushed from the room, Alistair heard Fenris whisper to Cassia, “Should I see them out?” 

He hadn’t waited to hear her response.

They turned a corner into another corridor.

“Well, we’re alive?” Alistair tried to focus on the positive.

“Yes, no thanks to you!” Teagan obviously preferred to focus on the little, tiny, insignificant-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things mistake Alistair had made.

“She was annoyed when we came in!”

“You made it worse! I expressly told you not to tell her to be nice!”

“I...didn’t tell her to smile?”

Teagan wasn’t smiling at that.

“So, uh, what do you think we should do with this?” Alistair turned the vase in his hands.

“I have no idea, it  _ is _ customary for the Viscount to give foreign dignitaries gifts, but I wouldn’t say Cassia Hawke is a particularly customary Viscount…”

“Well, I think we should decide quickly because I’d really rather not run into...any of the people or animals we’ve seen today again. Well, except for the nice lady who gave me the cheese.”

Teagan ignored the cheese comment and was looking at the vase with a hand pressed to his forehead as he considered it when a red-headed man hurried into the corridor.

“Your Majesty. Bann Teagan. I am Bran, Seneschal of the Keep. Allow me to extend my deepest apologies for the...irregularities of your visit. While Serrah Hawke is undoubtedly a brilliant woman, she...lacks certain qualities that are necessary to truly rise to the challenges of the office of Viscount. Extreme circumstances required that we...overlook her obvious shortcomings. I am personally overseeing her training. Unfortunately the transition has been difficult and her resistance to the process is quite unhelpful.”

Alistair was starting to get an idea of just why Cassia had been so annoyed during the meeting. And why he should probably apologize for the whole ‘nice’ thing. If he ever happened to run into her again. And there was enough space between them that he could get a good head start. And he could be sure he wouldn’t run into Fenris or the cat as he was running away.

“You can leave anytime you want to, Bran.” Whether Cassia had told him to or not, Fenris had obviously decided to see Alistair and Teagan out.

“And let  _ you _ usurp my position while  _ that woman _ drags the dignity of the office through the mud?” Bran sounded livid at the thought.

“If you didn’t want her to be Viscount, maybe you shouldn’t have  _ asked _ her to be Viscount.” Fenris sounded calm, but something about the way he was standing made Alistair doubt that was a good thing.

“She was not supposed to be like this! She was supposed to be able to learn to behave like an actual human being and not a malfunctioning golem!”

It looked to Alistair like the glow from Fenris’s tattoos was getting brighter as he clenched his fists and jaw.

Bran either didn’t notice or didn’t care because he just continued with his rant. “Honestly, the woman is STILL managing to fail at things as basic as shaking hands; and I don’t want to hear any more nonsense about how it hurts her to do it - it’s a handshake; they don’t hurt anyone, and we’ve all seen the marks  _ you _ leave on her like you’re some dog marking its bitch. And I have no idea how she can remember verbatim -  _ but completely ignore - _ everything I’ve ever said to her, but she can’t manage to keep it in her head that she’s to give envoys a momento before they leave!”

Fenris pulled his lips back in what was far too threatening to be considered a smile and pointed at the vase Alistair was holding. Alistair tucked it under his arm and shook his hands to Fenris in what was likely a vain hope that he wouldn’t draw attention to them. Even Teagan joined in and shook his head to plead to be left well out of the conversation.

Unsurprisingly, Fenris was undeterred. “But Bran, she gave them a present.”

Bran turned to Alistair and Teagan. Judging by the look on his face, not to mention some of the things he had just said, he had entirely forgotten they were there. “Yes...well...we’ll…” Bran’s face was turning several shades of purple until he shifted his gaze from Alistair to the vase. “What...where did you get that?”

“I just told you, Bran. She did give them a present.”

“I was not addressing you! Stay out of this!”

Alistair looked to Teagan, who, thank the Maker, took pity on him and stepped in. “Yes, the Viscount was rather insistent on presenting this to us.”

“She’s not allowed to give that away! That was presented to the first Viscount after the uprising against the Imperium by the Emperor of Orlais!” Bran opened and closed his mouth once he finished speaking.

“Yes, well, we couldn’t dream of taking such an important piece of Kirkwall history.” Alistair was relieved to have the decision about what to do with the vase made for him. “We’ll just leave it here.”

“No! No, no, no! That’s what the woman is expecting me to have you do!” Bran sounded slightly manic. “This is some sort of scheme of hers! She’s just doing this to get to me! She wants to test me! To see what I’ll do! But I’ll show her; I’ll figure this out!”

“Yes, well, while you do, would you like us to leave the vase here?” Teagan sounded hopeful at the prospect.

“Yes! No. Wait, let me think. She knows what that vase is, and she knows I’d have to apologize for her behaviour, so she  _ knows _ I’d see the vase...”

“I’m actually not sure she knew what the vase was. She was using it to hold her writing tools and I think she just grabbed the first thing she saw.” Alistair hoped that if Bran realized Cassia had just given him the first thing she’d seen that was vaguely ‘gifty’ he would let them leave it there and be done with it.

“Ah-HA! So she wants me to have to guess whether she knew what it was or not! I’m on to her game now!” Alistair still thought Cassia really had just grabbed it because she saw it, but he was positive that if she  _ did _ have a game, Bran was in no way on to it.

“Or that’s a fake and she hid the real one.” Fenris was still glaring at Bran. “Or, there  _ is _ a fake, and that’s the real one. Or she was just trying to make it look innocuous so no one would think twice about touching an object she’d coated in something that could be absorbed through the skin.”

“Well, on that note I think we’ll just leave it here then!” Alistair wasn’t sure what he was so worried about. He’d been holding the thing for about five minutes, so if it  _ were _ poisoned there was probably nothing he could do anymore. But he still wanted it out of his hands. 

He lobbed the thing to Bran, but what Fenris just said had clearly gotten to him because he flinched out of the way and the vase shattered on the floor.

“Well, look at that Bran. You’ve broken an irreplaceable artifact. This hardly reflects at all well.” Fenris, at least, seemed to be enjoying himself enough to have forgotten about Alistair and Teagan.

As soon as Bran turned to respond, Alistair and Teagan rushed from the keep and returned to the docks as quickly as they could without it being obvious they were running.

Alistair was watching Kirkwall disappear over the horizon from the deck of his ship as he addressed Teagan, “You, know Teagan, I’ve been thinking about it and I think I learned something today.”

“After everything that’s happened, you learned one thing?”

“Well, it’s one  _ important _ thing.”

“And what is that?”

“Well, the next time someone has to go to Kirkwall, I’m staying in Denerim and you can take the Queen, sick or not.”

“Actually, Alistair, I think the next time someone has to go to Kirkwall, we’re  _ all _ staying in Denerim, sick or not.”


End file.
